My Mama

08.03.11
3.13PM
Cebu



No one can argue that I am, and will always be a Mama's Boy.


A week ago, and around this time, I received a frantic call from my mama's assistant at the hospital.


'Dong, uli dong.  Nag seizure imo mama'


I immediately called my bro to drop everything he was doing and proceed to Chong Hua.  A doktora friend called me up to immediately book a flight to Cebu because mama didn't look good.  I asked what happened.  The operation seemed to be ok and she was about to be discharged that day.  It seems that the doctors did not have a clue why she is having a seizure and they were doing everything they can to help my mama..


I hurriedly booked a flight to Cebu for the following day, 4.30am, Cebu Pacific.


4pm passed. 5pm passed til 6pm.  I was attending a meeting but my mind was elsewhere.  I received a missed call from my bro and made a returned call, but he didn't take it.  I was worried, very worried.  My mama was having difficulties and I was no where in sight to comfort and ease her pain..


7pm.  I received a text message from my bro.  My mama was undergoing cardiac arrest.  I cried.


I couldn't bear the idea of losing my mama.  She is the only reason why I go back to Cebu. She is the only reason why I strive hard to achieve whatever it is that I have accomplished.  I wanted my mama to be proud of me.


My doctor-cousin called me.  It seems that my mama was no longer responsive to the dosage that they were injecting her.  I asked if she was still breathing, she was but it will take a miracle for her to recover.  My tears kept flowing.  My world fell apart when he said that.


I hurriedly drove (with Fernan accompanying me, which I am grateful for) to find some church, any church so I could pray.  Every church we went (Don Bosco, and the one in Pasay) were closed.  I was losing hope.  Then Ferns suggested Baclaran.  Yes.  It was Wednesday, and Baclaran would be open til the wee hours of the morning.  I held on to the tiny glimmer of hope.


On the way, I requested my bro to have her mobile to her ears so I could talk with her.  I could only hear breathing from the respirator.  Please hold on mama.  Uli nako ugma, huwata nalang ko kay I want to hug you and comfort you that everything will be ok and that I am there already.  I love my mama so much..


In Baclaran, I prayed to all the angels and saints who would hear me.  I cried and didn't care if people would stare at me.  I just want my mama to live.  I was already desperate.


But my prayers were not heeded.


I received a text message from a cousin.  Condolence.  


My world shattered and I broke down at my place.  Alone.


She died 9.18pm.  No one dared told me.  My bro hesitated and told me around 12mn.  People were already calling me but I didn't answer.  How can I?  When the only person that I love and unconditionally loved me in return was gone?  It broke my heart.


My ambition drove me to Manila and it is that ambition that I now loathe.  


I was not there when my mama passed away.  I was in some stupid place, living an independent life.  But in truth, I am still dependent on my mama.  She was my everything.


Everything is surreal here in Cebu.  The empty house.  I was half expecting my mama to appear out of thin air, smile and comfortingly ask unsa ako sud.an nahan kan.on?  I would then eagerly request her to cook for me my favorite, linat.an na baboy, ma..


..


My aunties, my cousins, my friends, my mom's officemates keep telling me everything will be alright.  They expect me to be strong.. but I can't.  I have lost my pillar of strength for me to thrive on.


I am lost.