Wednesday, March 30, 2011

30 and never going back

Somewhere in Mandaluyong

In about an hour and a half time, I will be turning 30, hushkins.  It's not because that I'm turning a year older, and the typical a year wiser, but I face my birthday with a heavy heart.

30 days ago, I had posted in my FB that I promised to spend the next 30 days partying until the 31st day of March.  It was a  desperate plea that everything will turn out for the better..  Marxus was already hospitalized then and I didn't want to think of the remote possibility of what eventually changed the course of my life now.  I never expected that things will go downhill from there and I realized I didn't have it in my hands to make things the way I want it to be, no matter how hard I try to manipulate the situation.

I remembered telling Ex on his last day here in Manila (before leaving for Baguio to continue his treatment),

'Pagaling ka mabuti ha.  Lapit na birthday ko.. Mag.dadampa pa tayo'

'Oo.. sa Huey Ying.. miss ko na yung buttered prawns nila..'

'Oo, kain tayo ng maraming prawns!  Gusto ko rin baked scallops ha'  

He smiled.. but I was masking my fear then.  In as much as I wouldn't want to entertain these dreadful thoughts, I couldn't help but think that this may not materialize, but still I cling to that tiny glimmer of hope.

Four or five days after, I received a text message from his sister that his condition wasn't getting any better and he had to have a respirator for him to breathe continuously.  He never wanted to have that thing on based on what we saw when his friend committed suicide way back..  I knew then that he was suffering.. I kept on telling his sister to constantly talk to him about positive things to keep his mind away from the respirator and tell him about our plan to go to Dampa on my birthday..

'Sama natin si Andrei and Micmic (his 2 favorite nephews) sa Dampa ha para matikman nila gaano kasarap doon'

His sister would narrate to me how Marxus would nod in agreement and how his eyes twinkled about the idea..

After 23 days, when I thought that I have shed enough tears already, my eyes start to well up at the memories that I could have been spending my birthday tomorrow with him at Dampa, just like when we celebrated his birthday last year and ordered to our heart's content.. Just like the first time we set foot on that place, when we initially thought that his friends were going to pay for the bill and we ended up paying for it.. Just like the time when we were craving for adobong pusit and just went there to have Michelle cooked these for us..  

The plan that will never come true.  I miss you.. so much.. 

Oh well.. Happy Birthday to me. Hay.