Wednesday, March 30, 2011

30 and never going back

Somewhere in Mandaluyong

In about an hour and a half time, I will be turning 30, hushkins.  It's not because that I'm turning a year older, and the typical a year wiser, but I face my birthday with a heavy heart.

30 days ago, I had posted in my FB that I promised to spend the next 30 days partying until the 31st day of March.  It was a  desperate plea that everything will turn out for the better..  Marxus was already hospitalized then and I didn't want to think of the remote possibility of what eventually changed the course of my life now.  I never expected that things will go downhill from there and I realized I didn't have it in my hands to make things the way I want it to be, no matter how hard I try to manipulate the situation.

I remembered telling Ex on his last day here in Manila (before leaving for Baguio to continue his treatment),

'Pagaling ka mabuti ha.  Lapit na birthday ko.. Mag.dadampa pa tayo'

'Oo.. sa Huey Ying.. miss ko na yung buttered prawns nila..'

'Oo, kain tayo ng maraming prawns!  Gusto ko rin baked scallops ha'  

He smiled.. but I was masking my fear then.  In as much as I wouldn't want to entertain these dreadful thoughts, I couldn't help but think that this may not materialize, but still I cling to that tiny glimmer of hope.

Four or five days after, I received a text message from his sister that his condition wasn't getting any better and he had to have a respirator for him to breathe continuously.  He never wanted to have that thing on based on what we saw when his friend committed suicide way back..  I knew then that he was suffering.. I kept on telling his sister to constantly talk to him about positive things to keep his mind away from the respirator and tell him about our plan to go to Dampa on my birthday..

'Sama natin si Andrei and Micmic (his 2 favorite nephews) sa Dampa ha para matikman nila gaano kasarap doon'

His sister would narrate to me how Marxus would nod in agreement and how his eyes twinkled about the idea..

After 23 days, when I thought that I have shed enough tears already, my eyes start to well up at the memories that I could have been spending my birthday tomorrow with him at Dampa, just like when we celebrated his birthday last year and ordered to our heart's content.. Just like the first time we set foot on that place, when we initially thought that his friends were going to pay for the bill and we ended up paying for it.. Just like the time when we were craving for adobong pusit and just went there to have Michelle cooked these for us..  

The plan that will never come true.  I miss you.. so much.. 

Oh well.. Happy Birthday to me. Hay.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Aussie Bearista (Destination Bearista series 2010)

My friend, Shiela, and I just finished eating dinner somewhere in Libis when she chanced upon Baby Blake.  She exclaimed:

'If I didn't know any better, I'd mistake this car as lady-owned!  How do you ever get to see when you back out from the parking??'

Hahahaha :) The back portion is filled with bearistas already! :) To add more to my collection, my Aussie friend Chantelle gave me this cutie :)  Awwwwwwwwww… cuddle, cuddle! ;)

Aussie meets Leo :)
Hush, hush for now**

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Early Birthday Gift (Bearista with Warmers)

Amici / Starbucks Megamall

Catching up with former colleagues made me walk down memory lane on how challenging it was to work for San Miguel.  We relived how we started out with proving ourselves to our sales counterpart and the pains we went through to get their trust, that we were not their nemesis in hampering their sales operations but we were allies that ensure that credit risk is addressed while maximizing revenues! :)

I have wondered why one particular Sales Information Head always try to disprove my presentation materials to my then Area Sales Manager.  Every meeting I had with the area sales personnel end up with a heated argument with that guy, while all the other attendants keep musing why he hates me a lot!  The thing was, I never raised my voice whenever he rebuts my materials.

Armand: 'Teka, teka, bakit yung figures ni East GMA kulang ng 50, and sobra naman ng 50 si North GMA?  Mali mali na naman data mo' (then all eyes darted towards me)

Hush: 'Armand, what is the agenda that we called for in this meeting?'

A: 'how to meet with our required area sales quota'

H: 'Exactly.  Area sales quota, not territory, but area.  So we look at the overall picture of how our area is performing versus our target.  At the end of the day, those territories will supplement each other, so if one territory does not meet his respective target, the other territory helps out to cover for those.  The important thing is we were not able to meet what National requires us, so we look at the overall figure, and whether I do the reclassification of those numbers now, will that change the scenario?'


H: 'Very good then.  Let's do away with shallow analysis and proceed with more important stuff :) ' 

I was literally grinning from ear to ear, and the other salesmen were beginning to smirk.  Then, Armand walked out of the meeting (in front of our territory sales manager!).  I won. :) hahahahahaahah

We all laughed at how many times we had to continuously persuade our sales group to adhere by the credit policies, without them feeling that we were 'blowing' up operations. Paulette even narrated that she would go to the extend of drafting a letter addressed to herself from the area sales just to cover exception cases, so that sales could proceed while finance gets the required approval, commitment and timelines from them.  Then they were estopped from making excuses or denying our agreements because I could easily pull out those papers to prove to both my Chief Finance Officer and National Sales Manager that the Area has signed this! hahahaha :)

And the cherished moment we had was when we were able to gain the trust of our National Sales Manager, and all the sales guys obeyed every instructions that we had.  NSM would even mandate then whenever his personnel were requesting for exception cases, to consult first with Finance before he approves!  Sales even confided to us of their difficult positioning because of competition and we were there to help find ways that these were covered by the policies.  That was sweet! :)  We realized then that the battle between Credit and Sales was won unanimously by both parties :)

Then both Paulette and Irene opened up whether if given the chance, we would still go back to San Miguel.  I missed the challenge in working for that company, but I told them that let's not forget why we also left.  The thing is, we remember the hay days because we are with each other now, but we always forget the reasons why we moved on..


Maybe if given the opportunity to work for another multinational manufacturing company, I would do so.  We move on to better pastures, as they say :) hehehhehehe

We ended up in Starbucks at around 1230am and both Paulette and Irene surprised me with their gift!! :) They knew that I am collecting bearistas and now I have another baby :)   Asia's version of the Valentine Bearista I talked about.  This had warmers on instead of the love letter on hand :) I !!!

Besides my Baguio carving =)

Hush hush for now**

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Lambada vs On the Floor

Those who grew up in the 80s would recall that Lambada was such a hit! hehehe I became addicted to the song and could recall Rachel Lobangco (?) dancing to this beat. hahahaa I imagined myself dancing to one, actually, with somebody hunky besides me, of course! hahahaha

And to my utter bliss, JLo released her new single, which is frankly, Lambana-like! hehehe and the video is soooo cool, it beats Lady Gaga's born this way. hahaha Do I see some eyebrows raising?? :)  Last time JLo released this kind of mix was way back 2000, Waiting for Tonight and now I am smitten again with JLo :) Pwetty, pwetty! hahaha

Hush, hush for now**

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Tangled Dreams

from the movie, Tangled
These days, I have just been downloading movies to kill time and it seems that most of these are animated.  I just want to feel good these days and I scan those cartoons that I wasn't able to see on the big screen.  I am getting sappy.  Hay.

Disney's Tangled does address my woes.  It somehow lifts my spirit and transports me to another world that I could just be on my own.  Weird.  I know that it's fiction and I wouldn't dare go into criticizing the visuals, cinematography, musical score etc.  I just want to express how the movie dawned on me.

The movie is something conjured from dreams, that these things don't happen in real life (duh) but somehow, it touches the very core of me.  I wouldn't expect to meet a thief who will turn out to be my prince someday, that's so unreal, plus I wouldn't dare go near them also! hahaha But, but, but.. the dialogue the movie conveys is something else, something to ponder through, for me to digest and nibble on.  And with the close of one chapter in my life, these lines smack me big on the face:

Rapunzel: 'What if it's not what I dream it would be?'
Eugene: 'It will be..'
R: 'What if it is?'
E: 'Then that's the good part.. you will get to find a new dream'

Hay.  I need to move on.

Hush, hush for now**

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Geisha and Australian Bearistas

Geisha bearista hehehe
I chanced upon the new spring edition Starbucks bearista and it's female :( hehehe It wears a kimono and is the collection's 100th edition.  I am naming her the Geisha bearista, coz i forgot to see her name and I didn't buy her.  I just took a pic at Starbucks Bluewave branch.

What I am excited about is the Australian bearista that my friend Chantelle bought for me! :)  He is sooo cute and she promised I'll get him by the end of this week.  I can't wait and I am sooo giddy!! I'll update this blog his edition's number once I get hold of this bearista. hehehehe

Mr. Aussie bearista :) I  :)

Hush, hush for now**

Monday, March 14, 2011


somewhere in Mandaluyong

These past few nights have left me sleepless.  As much as I would like to put brakes on time, the clock continues to tick and I tread along, attending to Ex's family's needs, explaining to friends/acquaintances what transpired these past couple of days and the plans for the succeeding days, entertaining a guest, and doing my best at office not to let emotions get in the way of work.. but as night time beckons for me to go home, I'm hit with the cold reality that he is gone.. and I am back where I started.  Alone.

I think to cope.  I remember to treasure.

Lately, I have been trying to recall when our last movie date was, and what movie that was. All I can remember was we were at Shangrila that time, that I presented my Cineplex card and the cashier informed me it was expired already.  The last time I used that card was when Shrek2 was shown. hehe  That was a long time ago.  We had shifted watching movies from Shang to MOA.  I don't know why, definitely not because the latter's movie house is better.  Maybe because Ex likes to roam about the shops prior to watching the movies, or that I like the long drive to get to MOA and catch up with him along the way.  Maybe.

I recall our first movie date.  He kept on reminding me then. hehe It was Startrek, he would say.  I simply forgot.  All I can muster was we were to meet after that night in BED. I had thought it would just be like any ordinary date, faceless.  I didn't realize, he would touch my life.

I was just wearing my brown folded n hung shirt, shorts, cap and slippers.  He was wearing jeans, Adidas shoes and his leather jacket.  He had fixed his hair then.  hehehe He would more than once narrate to me how he felt that day.. He had placed in great effort to look good on our first date and that I look plain. Hahahahahaha That probably singled me out from his fleet of dates as well :)

I think I was the first to arrive at the Cineplex, sat at one of the stools near the popcorns, and waited for him.  When I saw his face, I was kilig.  I was already counting pang-ilan trophy bf ko na kaya to?  Shallow.  I was at my prime then, so I can afford to dismiss him had he shown some faults.  Again, shallow.  I didn't give any clue that I was interested in him, hence the 'dress-down' effect, and even to this day, I would never tell him that.

That was May 10.

Bothered still, I scanned my older posts in FB and I did post my last movie date with Ex.  It was the Rite, starred by Anthony Hopkins.  I recalled I had wanted to post my review comments here but I didn't find time to do so.  Time.  That word again.

We had fun that night.  I recalled we walked all the way from Shang to his place, and we simply talked.  Talked about nonsense.  About the unpredictable twist in the movie and it's possibility of it being true.. then we talked about our plans to move in after my contract expires.  How we would like our place to be, a loft-typed condo so that he could still continue to practice his photography downstairs without disturbing me while I sleep.  It was a cold night, but it felt good.  It felt warm to be with him that night.

That was February 8.  He left me March 8.  A month.

I sooooo want to talk to him.  I want to know if he is happy now, or is he lost.. Will candles light his way to wherever he is going?  Coz if so, I'd light a million and one.. ;(

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

When I see your face (pick-up lines Chapter 8)

May 9, 2009
Bed. 1am.

"San ka banda?", I texted.

"Sa may stage, I'm with friends", he responded.

We were to met up that night.  After a month of being textmates, it was only then that I'd get to see him, as fate may have chanced upon us that night.

"Ok, puntahan kita dyan"

We became acquainted with each other via the defunct G4M.  Time would erase my memory on who messaged whom, but my initial reaction when I saw his face was, "sh#@t! sya ata yung naka sayaw ko last February nung may nag-pick.pocket sa cellphone ko".  Still, I entertained him, probably out of curiousity, plus he was gorgeous.  He later would boast that he looked like Will Devaughn hehe

When I saw him, I felt backing out.  He was surrounded by his friends (and he stood out from the pack) and I was intimidated.  I summoned my courage and said hi.  Aba! Nod lang ang napala ng beauty ko!! Dispirited, I went back to where I was stationed (near the aircon, matutunaw na kasi MAC ko, hehehe).

"Oh, san ka na?", he texted.

"I went back to my place.  Papalamig ako, masyado mainit dyan sa dancefloor"

Ok was his only response.  So I guess, he wasn't interested in me.  


The crowd was already in celebratory mode when I chanced upon this guy in front of me.  He was swaying his hips in front of me, with blue frog taking it's toll on me, I began to respond.  He turned around and we continued to dance.

Ralf: 'Hi'

Hush: 'Hiya!' (masyado ata napalakas hehe)

R: 'You're cute'

H: 'I know' (sh#t! ang yabang ko! hehe I was frustrated and I welcomed any compliment)

R: 'You wanna go to my place?'

H: 'Where?'  His face was so near mine, I could smell the alcohol he drank.

R: 'Makati, kaw ba saan ka?'

H: 'Ortigas..'  

Ralf was about to kiss me when my peripheral vision caught someone staring at me.  It was he-who-ignored-me.

H: 'Sorry.. my boyfriend's back'  

I left Ralf, taken-aback by my sudden change of heart.  I hurriedly scurried towards him.

H: 'Hi Marxus.  Nice to see you here!' (was my lame greeting)

M: 'Oh bakit di mo tinuloy paghalik sa kanya?'

H: 'With whom?' (was my pathetic response)

M: (pinpointing) 'That guy in shock'

H: 'Oh. THAT guy. He's nothing. Care to have some blue frog?' (effort to have that puppy-eyed look)

M: 'Smart move.  Nag.aantay lang ako if hahalikan mo sya, then alis na ako'

H: 'Nah.  I would rather kiss you'

He let me kissed him that night.  That night I met my Honey.  Marxus.

I never knew that after 20 months, he would leave me for good.  We parted ways last November 8, but we remained good friends.  He remained my constant movie-buddy, we would argue which movie to watch, often, it was I who relented to his requests (coz mostly I want to watch the Tagalog flick hehehe he was traumatized with Kimmy Dora)..   I spent Christmas with him after that.  We went up to Baguio again this January.  He was supposed to be with me for the last Panagbenga, but he was already hospitalized. We were supposed to move-in together after my contract expires on April.. 

He often kidded, if he passed away, will I cry.. I would respond, no.. But events would cruelly twist to this day.. and my heart bleeds of his loss.. and I cry a thousand buckets that no amount of words could comfort..  I lost a partner today.

This is my ode to him.  Bubhye na please… ;(

Hushkins, please can you say a short prayer for his safe journey?  That would be very much appreciated..